3fi_pina3

In My Mind (The Thunderstorm pt. 4) To Tell you the truth, I expected it to be as long as this. I never knew that I would still feel like writing most of my emotions onto this story. But I have, and I have to say it feels absolutely marvellous.  This is copyrighted by me, 3fi_pina3 (This chapter) on Wednesday August 8, 2007 =] 

~

It has been four good months since the thunderstorm miracle. Well I basically call it a 'miracle' because it was the most God-sent love I have ever felt. It was so different. I miss how his skin felt against mine, or how his gentle breaths touched my ear. I miss that conversation we had about everything, and in just one night we had just met. I miss how we just connected like that. I miss him. 

He moved close to here, got his own place, I would have came with him if I wasn't so young. He moved closer to his University; a definite convenience for him. 

He promised me that he would come back for me, but something in my heart obviously knew he would be back for some other reason but me. Maybe to show me his girlfriend. I had wept at the thought. For that last month we were together, we were so close. Maybe too close. Too close that we might have been a tad bit attached to each other by the time he had to move. 

I cried real hard one night in my bedroom. I held the picture that we took at the mall. We looked a hell of a lot of foolish. There was one that totally caught me off guard; the one where he kissed me. From the picture it looked so magical, as if it were from some urban fairytale. The way his lips just looked so good on mine. It still gave me shivers when I looked at it that night, even now. 

I've been trying to move on, but everything just constantly flashes at me trying to recall the memory. I don't even know what I'm supposed to about this heartache. 

I've been so hurt this month but not as much as right now. Him moving away didn't hurt me. Not recognizing me did. 

There were times after we both decided that it would be over where we just snobbed each other out of the park. There were times we would talk, and there was something that he was hiding from me. I didn't know what it was, and frankly I didn't want to find out. He had just made me upset, since the day we called it quits. I don't know if it was actually some kind of feeling in my heart that I missed him. 

But to him I'll never admit it. Unless of course he admitted it first. ALthough even then I wouldn't be convinced to say how I feel. 

If I really did miss him, why didn't I go out of my way to go and see him? WHy don't we try to make it work? Could it have really worked? I seriously doubt it. My heart had sank too much at the thought. 

At least we tried. 

I wished so that we could have tried a little harder...

I Haven't Been Here for Ages!!! 

Well, life's been pretty boring. Right now I am feeling so dehydrated it isn't even funny. I honestly need a drink. WHy don't I get water, you ask? Well, because! I"m in a freaking library for God's sake!! Where the hell am I supposed to get water from, the washroom?!?!?! Well, it wouldn't be such a bad idea if it weren't so filthy. Hehe I just used the word 'filthy' XD 

This summer I've been practically eating my way through it. Literally! I just keep on eating like small snack, and get some bites and not resist food at all whenever I go to places. I've gotten a teeny bit fatter, but my pant size is still 30-31-32... and yes I have three pant sizes...is that normal. Well I guess it's partially because I'm short and fat. Well, not fat at all...just gaining more weight than normal. But how can I not resist? I just noticed that the food around me happened to be so good, and that I just had to eat it. It's not my fault that everything looks and tastes so good right now!! 

Although, I have been trying to loose it by exercising. I've been biking and stuff, and well...I've been losing bit by bit. (Really it is bit by bit). I try to not let it bother me though. I think I might be doing the wrong excerises. Like I'm working my legs most of the time because that is basically like the only body part that works for me, except for my hands and fingers of course. But that's for like typing and stuff. 

I seem to be more concerned about my health right now, I have no idea why all of a sudden it came up. I'm probably thnking too much that I"m gonna end up really fat when I get older. It's so weird. I've been getting a bit hypocritical as well. Eating and thinking that I shouldn't. It's retarded and I wish it would stop. well I guess I should get going now. I really need to get something at the mall! I'm sooo hungry/thirsty/tired! 

BYEEE!! =)

You Body is a Wonderland 
by: John Mayer

----I have no idea why this song makes me feel so happy, but it just does. If you sing it to me, I'll fall in love with you XD 

We got the afternoon
You got this room for two
One thing I've left to do
Discover me
Discovering you

One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcleain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue

And if you want love
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while

Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder(I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland

Something 'bout the way your hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

You want love?
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while

Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland

Darn baby
You frustrate me
I know you're mine all mine all mine
But you look so good it hurts sometimes

"It feels like something's heatin' up, can I leave with you?"
I don't know but I'm thinkin' 'bout, really leavin' with you.
"It feels like something's heatin' up, can I leave with you?"
I don't know but I'm thinkin' 'bout, really leavin' with you.

Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder(I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonderland

Lmao. I'm doing my homework right now, but no matters. I feel like writing this story more than doing my homework anyways. 

In My Mind (The Thunderstorm pt. 3)
This is fiction, but I still own it because it was from my head. and I have put a copy right... (see pt 1) 


It was long, and it was my first. I was almost shaking the whole time, and I remember his lips being so caring, so good. He looked so different tonight, I don't know how...he took those contacts that he always wore, so I saw what he really looked like. His eyes were amazing without them. Even though they were the same colour as mine. 

He looked at me after and smiled. He kissed me again, but it was just a peck on the lips. 

"I finally got what I wanted to do..." he said as he brought his hand up to touch my face. 

"And what was that?" I slowly stirred. I was finally under his spell. 

"To kiss the girl who has been on my mind for some time now..." he smiled. 

"I didn't even think you knew my name..." I smiled. 

"I didn't think you'd know my name either..." he put his face closer to mine, "but I guess we were wrong, weren't we?" 

I seemed frozen because I was feeling so hot right now. THere was a part of me that was containing myself, and that part was having the hardest time. 

"Well I guess to some extent..." 

"Huh?" he questionned. 

"Well...We thought that we would like each other...maybe 'love' each other... and we were right." 

"Love, huh? Could you let me love you?" he said in the most alluring of voices. 

"I think I would...After knowing you just for one day...I'm not sure...I'm split right down the middle." I said, but I regretted it soon after I said it. 

"I would let you love me. Even after this one day. I don't know why, but I just would..." 

I pulled myself to him, via his arms, and I stayed there breathing on his neck, he was feeling as nervous as I was. It was so weird. I kissed his neck, and it struck a good nerve in his system. He looked down at me as I smiled my most innocent smile at him. He just kissed my forehead, but in his mind he thought something else. A few seconds after he showed me what he was thinking of. 

He began to kiss my neck, and to tell you the truth, I have never felt something so pleasureable in my life. I tried my best not to moan and to gently push him off me. They would definitely hear what was going on down here. I wouldn't be surprised if they heard everything that he said to me. These walls are as thin as paper. 

He was on top of me, most of his weight relying on his arms to hold. I felt him gently press against me, because he didn't want to crush me. His hands about to wander when I realized that this had to stop. I moved away from his face but more-so to the side of his ear. 

"We have to stop..." I whispered, "They're gonna hear..."

It was funny how we had the same length of hair, because we'd both fix our hair and it was almost similar to how we fixed it. Lucky thing my hair was dyed. 

He placed himself resting beside me again, and I swear that I would never again have these kinds of feelings ever again.THe minute he looked back into my eyes I was instantly hooked again. He kissed my forehead as I closed my eyes. The rain still making the rapid sounds that matched the beatings of my heart. 

"Finally...Goodnight." he said to me in a whisper. 

And in his embrace I had slept soundly, never moving for a minute. He watched me sleep, and said that he cupped my cheek in his hand as he kissed me again. He watched me sleep and described it as one of the most memorable moments of his life. 

Moments later, he fell asleep, the thunderstorm still going. Although the storm seemed to ease off as the morning rolled in. 

The morning of which we would find ourselves in each others' arms. 
__________________________________________________________________________________

It was four thrity in the morning when we both woke up. It was very steamy on the couch because our bodies had been close to each other for the whole night, and a heavy blanket was on top of us. It was getting really, really, hot. 

I woke up to a warm hug that just took all the remaining tiredness away from my body. I fixed my position and I found myself limited of movement. I still thought I was dreaming. I groaned involuntarily because of the inconveniece of how early I had to wake up just now. Worst of all, it was for no apparent reason.  

He patted my back as he hushed me back to sleep. I remember when my parents used to do that to me when I cried. Although with him doing that to me after such a long time, I forgot how completely relieving it felt. I hazily called his name. 

"Mmhmm?" he answered half-asleep. I could tell that he still wanted us to fool around with each other, like how we did before we slept. 

"What time is it?" I whispered in a rhaspy voice. he picked up his phone from the floor. 

"Damn..." he said as he kissed me, "It's still four in the morning...Let's go back to sleep..."

I looked at him with haze-filled eyes, "I kinda lost it..." 

"Lost what?" he still said sleepily. I stretched my arms. 

"I lost my sleep." he groaned. 

"Then get it back." 

"But I can't." 

"For the love of God," he laughed, "Do you want me to get it back for you?" 

"Huh? How?" I felt it coming back to me already. 

"I could do things that you wouldn't even want to know...Like...huh? Are you sleeping?" He looked at me. I was already snoring. 

"Hmmm...Looks like I didn't have to do anything..." he looked at me and kissed my forehead. 

In My Mind (The Thunderstorm pt.2) 
This section is copyrighted as of 05/17/07... PEACEE 

I couldn't feel anymore stupid, and I slapped myself in the head for that. I couldn't find the pants that I had to wear. I tried to feel for them, but it was no use...they all felt the same. I feared what was about to happen... 

"Hey, you okay in there?" he called out to me. 

"Uhh...not really...I can't find the pants that I was supposed to wear...It's too dark..." I truthfully stated. 

Then suddenly I felt the closet slide open, and I screamed. I felt his hand cover my mouth, and the blood rising to my cheeks for about the millionth time. 

I quickly grabbed something from a hanger and quickly covered myself. He smiled at me.

"Hmm. Those must be yours...I guess you found them." he said. I felt myself turn even hotter. I looked at the thing that I used to cover myself. Damn. It was my pants...'Damn him' I felt myself curse in my mind.

He looked at me in a way that I couldn't understand. It was almost like he wanted to do something. And yes it was that something. It didn't scare me or freak me out...It felt warm, almost like he wanted to do it, but because he wanted to tell me those big three words. But I just looked away to the floor as I put my pants on in front of him. 

I felt him take a light grip on my arm.

"Thanks for letting me stay here for a while...I really appreciate it." I blushed at his words.

"Umm. No problem, you can stay here as long as you like. Well I guess at least until the storm stops..." 

He gave me a warm look, and I could sense it through his eyes. I never knew he could be like that. I always thought of him as the silent-good-looking type. But that was only his appearance. I think I was starting to see who he really was. He wasn't far from what I actually thought. 

"Hey." I called his attention as I sprang myself onto the bed. 

He looked at me. 

"You wanna have a sleepover?" I smiled. I was surely going to kill myself for this later. 

"A...S-sleepover?" 

"Uh-huh why not? Do you wet the bed?" 

He gave a naughty smirk at me, "You can say that..." 

I knew what he meant and my face totally went grossed out mode. He laughed and sat on the bed beside me. He gave me a light nooggie, and I smiled like a little girl. 

"Don't worry, I won't do that to you...You have to wait for the person who you want to do that to you. Plus, no offence, there are just too many people here." he smiled at me. 

And that began our talk. A few awkward moments when each of us introduced a sexual-type of speech. ALthough we talked, a LOT. I learned that he was going to the university that I wanted to go to, but if I went anyways he would still be graduating when I first start off. We liked different things but our main thing in common was cartoons, computers, food, clothing, and peacefullness. 

He called his parents and said that he was sleeping at a friend's house, which kinda made me frown a little, because it made me think of that dreaded relationship status. But honestly who would admit something a status higher than friendship to their parents if it was only like a few hours. 

I believed it was that situation. 

My family members said that we could have our little "sleepover" in the living room where all the food was. I was almost over joyed. SLeeping in the same place where there's food is something really exciting for me. DOn't ask me why...I just love eating. 

We made our "bed" for the night, it was a few sheets on the carpet ground, and all my pillows. We divided them evenly amongst ourselves. It was ridiculous. He wanted one of my pillows, but I wanted it too. He suggested we could share it, but I was all against it. Being that close to him was scary because I would lose control, and he would just fall into it. We would do something totally regrettable. 

We watched some boring movie, and it made me fall alseep on his arm. It was so typical, and I forgot to watch out for that. He woke me up after he felt himself sleep and hit the ground. I kinda laughed when he told me that. 

"Let's go to sleep," he suggested. I yawned in reply. 

"Uh-huh...I'm sleeping on the couch..." I motionned my way there and plopped down. I felt like jello, I was so tired. I don't think I even did my homework. This was way better than homework though. There were times during the time he stayed here that I didn't feel anything, like he was just a buddy, but there were times that just made me so hot and nervous. 

I turned off the light when I saw him settled in his bed right beside the couch. 

"Good night." I said to him in a tired voice. 

"Sleep well, alright?" he heard him say peacefully. He turned away from me, and I was left alone in the dark. Thunder roared. It was absoloutely magnificent to hear. 

He called for me. 

"Could I sleep on the couch with you?" he asked. 

"Oh. So you're scared of the thunder!" I finally figured out. He kneeled with one knee resting on the couch, the other leg standing. He layed down and draped the blankets on top of us. 

"No...that's not it..." he whispered. 

"Why then? What's wrong?" I turned to face him. 

Our eyes met again, and our faces were so close that I could feel a bit of our noses touch. We felt each other's silent breaths. He smiled and put an arm around me, holding me closer. 

"I want to wake up beside you..." he closed his eyes as I felt my hand unconsciously slip around to his waist.

"Aww how romantic..." I cooed, "Hey....wait a minute...does that mean?"

"Mean what?" he tried to swirve around it. 

"Umm..I guess it means we get to share the pillow we both wanted." I changed the subject completely. 

"Uh-huh...But I think..." he inched over so much closer to my face, "THe middle of the pillow is better...don't you think?" 

"I don't k-know..." Damnit i just studdered. 

"Check..." 

"No, it's okey...The edge is just fine..." 

He gave up..."Okay then, whatever you say...Good Night..." but he still got what he wanted. What we both wanted. 

He gave me that kiss.

In My Mind...(The Thunderstorm) 
This is a fiction. This does not happen, so yea. But it's stil under my copyright as of 05/15/07



It was another thunderstorm. I love thunderstorms, I don't know why. But the rain is soothing. The thunder...I don't know exactly, but I was never really that scared of thunder. 

It was after dinner, when someone had called my house. They said that he was in the guard building. HE was in the guard building. He told them that he knew me (which he really didn't) and weirdly he knew my name. At the point where they said his name, my eyes quickly grew in shock. But it wasn't over at that, he actually knew my name! Which was surprising...kinda, but it was definitely something to question. I quickly responded, "Keep him inside, I'll be there in a few seconds, and brought out my umbrella. I told my family that I would be back, going to pick up a classmate that knew I lived here. So I picked up my keys. Put my shoes, and went outside into the pouring rain. 

It was literally raining cats and dogs. You don't even know how believeable that line could actually be until you've walked in the storm that I had to walk through. I locked the door, and watched as one of my family members watched through the window. I was really going to get scolded at when the coast was clear. But I dunno, I've been liking this guy, and the instant when the guy said that he was there, I was certainly going to fall over and feel all the romantic-ness that girls usually feel when their crush knows who they are..Doing almost anything for him wouldn't be surprising in anyone's mind if they knew it was him I favoured for this whole month. 

I ran quickly, looking at the ground as I felt the water seep into my shoes. My socks were getting wet, but I didn't mind. I was thinking a lot when I ran, wildly guessing why he knew where I lived. I was almost there; 20 m from the guard building. Soon decreasing as my running became my advantage. I finally got there and knocked on the solid white door. 

He opened it. He was soaking wet! Well, not that it was a bad thing. You could see almost every part of his body, except for the lower parts...his pants were black. It was completely seducing, and all I could do was blush as I looked at him smiling at me. I suddenly regretted coming here to save him, because I had been caught staring at his body. 

"Hey," he said when he saw me in my blue hoodie (hood on) and blue basketball shorts. He was wearing what I saw him earlier: A striped white long-sleeve polo and his black pants. Plus his bag, that now acted as an aquarium for his books. 

I just smiled at him, I looked at the security guard.  

"Thanks for keeping him in here, I owe you lots." 

He just smiled, "No problem, just don't do anything foolish tonight, kids. It's real damngerous out there," 

We looked at each other, and blushed at the same time. I've never seen him do that, but in gave me a good feeling in my stomach. We knew what he was talking about, but I doubt that we'd do that. I mean, we were now on a first name basis here. You shouldn't ruin that by having you know what. I bid the guard adieu, and grabbed him by the sleeve. He was surprised by the sudden motion for a second, but moved along. 

He was actually very tall, but I had never seemed to notice. We seemed that we were close...at height. And I guess you could say we were... not. He was like a head and a half taller than me. He held my pink umbrella, as we both walked in the rain. We were silent for half of the walk...well maybe more than half, until thunder roared across the sky. 

I felt his aura tense, and I suddenly felt uncomfortable. Then, out of the blue, I felt a warm arm pull me closer to him. I was surprised when I put it that it was his hand pulling me closer towards him. He held me in this position for the remainder of the trip back to my house. I loved it and gave myself a mental high five. 

We finally arrived at my house, and I used my key to open the door. And when we both came in, they family was shocked, that a guy came through the door. I knew the instant one of them choked slightly on their food that they were going to make fun of me for a month. I hated when they would do that. 

He waved and gave a little hello in the most charmingest of voices. I desperately hoped that no one had seen me almost go gaga. Love was the weirdest feeling that I had ever experienced in my life. He grabbed onto the end of my sweater suddenly and almost made me fall, because he was taking off his shoes. 

"Do you want something to eat?" one of them just suddenly asked. 

"Ahhh...No that's ok, I just came from work. I ate before I left." he smiled, but I could feel his awkwardness. 

FOr the next few minutes I introduced him to them, and there was this whole question answer period, that made him feel so awkward, and me so ashamed. I finally had enough. 

"Let's go upstairs, you should get changed." I said as I grabbed his hand in front of all of them and went upstairs and to the right into one of the rooms. I motioned him to go in first, and he followed. I closed the door behind me. He looked around the room and then at me. He smirked. I don't know why, but he just did. It kinda hit me that maybe being in a bedroom excited him a little. It sure excited me. But I already knew this room. 

"Take off your shirt..." I said in a shy voice. He was completely taken aback. I knew what he was thinking. 

"Noo!! Not like that!!" I yelled at him, "I'm just gonna go get a towel so you can wipe yourself off, okey?" 

"Ok." 

I went quickly upstairs to my room and grabbed a towel. I checked myself in the mirror before finally proceeding downstairs. He was there waiting for me with his shirt off, and his pants pulled down to his knees, trying to avoid a mass amount of water from touching his body. I tried to look away, and it actually worked this time. I felt him smile at me, and the heat that built up in my body ever since he held me was about to unleash. I had to contain it, I just had to. I took a deep breath in front of him and released it in front of us both in a laggish manner. He laughed at me, 

"What's wrong?" 

"Down there was like being in the pits of hell. Or at least in a more embarassed form. AGH! It was horrible. I hope they weren't too hard on you." I spilled. 

"Heh heh, don't worry. They weren't that bad. I mean they didn't kick me out, so it wasn't like bad or anything. Just awkward." 

"Good. You should feel awkward. Scaring the hell outta me like that, knowing my adress. What the hell were you thinking?!?!" I scolded him. 

"I saw you walking and I figured. I guess it was a good figuration...was it not?" he said in the cutest of tones. I couldn't possibly bring him down. 

"So why my house? Doesn't your friend live on the other side of the street?" I asked. 

"Well, you see, I was walking home on your side of the street when it started to rain really hard. I carried an umbrella, but that damned thing broke. So I threw it out, and went to the guard house." he explained while drying his gorgeous body. 

"Ahh... I see," I tried to hide my blushes, "Umm...do you need to call your parents?" 

He looked at me and nodded. I went to the closet and reached out for some clothes. Luckily they belonged to a guy. His pants were wet, so I had to find pants for him, but they were too big. Suddenly, in the closet I glaced upon my jogging pants and quickly had an idea. 

"Um, I'm gonna go in the closet and change my pants, you can wear my shorts..." 

"Uhh.. I think you might as well change the rest of your clothes, one of the sides it wet." he mentionned. 

I felt the left side of my sweater, I hadn't noticed that it was wet at all. It was probably because I was in contact with his body. I removed the sweater, revealing the usual tank tops that I always wear at home. It was white, and you could kinda see through it, but not really. It was something called 'translucent". I felt him look at me, and I dared to look back. Our eyes met, and it was everything far from beautiful. 

It was way far from beautiful, it was magnificent, spectacular, so...heart stopping. I smiled back at him, after finally getting the courage to. I went into the darkness of the closet and began to removed my shorts. I threw the pair to him. 

"Catch!" I yelled as I hid my undergarment-ed body from him. I returned myself to the dark. And it was REALLY dark. I mean, I couldn't see anything, not even my pants that I was supposed to wear. 

Bookmark this.

Well, you don't have to. But anyways, I'm so much more happier than last Monday, Sunday, Saturday, Friday, and Thursday night of last week. But as always, I still have something to rant about.

GYM.

Holayy fucking gawd. I am so sore from gym, but I think its working out on me... =| painfully. We've been playing soccer, and someone kicked me in the leg... not exactly the most joyous feeling in the world. =| like honestly. But I guess I shouldn't really be, because I'm starting to loose weight, AHAHA that sounded so... odd...almost like i was speaking from the perspective of a really really obese person. XD

I wonder how people loose their skin after loosing a lot of weight... =| other than operation.. It looks kinda gross, because I saw this television show about this really fat person loosing so much weight, and she had so much skin. It was literally like fat bastard from Austin Powers. XD hehehe. Its gross. Well anyways.... now I am going off  topic, or am I? What was I talking about???

Umm... I think I'm gonna end here, because I have nothing to really talk about today. Plus I'm at someone else's house writing this so its kinda awkweird XD lmao.

Meh... As usual my crappy weeked is still pretty crappy so I'm gonna write some more. 

If anyone sees a line that is familiar. Show me proof and I will take this poem off. Okey? THanks. Because something seems familiar, I just dont know what...

0003
BTW this is copyright by 3fi_pina3~ 05/06/07 

My heart is so empty,
It's never been this cold. 
I'm hiding behing these sheets,
So they don't see me grow old.

And in this bed,
I'm alone once more.
Still healing from the shreads of heart
that you always seem to tore. 

It'll be a few weeks until you're gone,
and you're probably thinking "I'm free!"
Athrough never once did you try
to get to know someone like me. 

Sadly, you do now know who I am. 
So let me introduce myself:
I am the once that loves you,
the one who will miss you when you're gone...

~

I wrote this on Friday, when I started feeling sad. Lol. I'm such a retard, but I dunnno. It's one of those spur of the moment things, you know? I'm a mood swing person, so it isn't really surprising...

AGHHHHH!!! (The second)

For the love of God!!! T_________T This probably has to be the worst weekend ever. I am depression-bound again, and I am turned into tears. 

I thought I was actually going to be pretty happy. but au contraire...again. It's been laughable, but it's been alone. I find myself alone again, sliently walking along the streets of the mall, with no one to talk to. It was actually pretty funny, but quite sad. 

Umm... I don't know what I have to say in my head anymore because it's been in my head for the past few hours. It was something like "things aren't the same as they used to be..." I've been really ticked off  by this line because it's so true. And I wish things were, so that it could be easier. But it's not... It's been getting harder to live. But It's probably just me. Its just too frustrating right nowww

AGGHHHHHH!!!! 
Rawr...I really do wish that there was just someone's face to slap right now, because I'm just totally pissed off. Well, not angry to kill someone pissed off, but just a sad kind of pissed off. Something like, "Why does life have to constantly be this way??!?!" kind of pissed off. 

Why? You may ask? Because just like everyone else, life isn't going my way. And aren't you supposed to shape your destiny?? Make you life what it's supposed to be??? Sadly, I've been constantly being bitch-slapped in the face myself, because I've only just gotten the message yesterday, that shaping you life and controlling it, is only half of it. JUST half of it. Nothing more, and favourably nothing less. I tried to do something with my life yesterday, and I did, but again...ONCE again it just blew up in my face. Life blows up in my face, again and again and again. I don't know who exactly to blame on this, or even if I should blame myself.

I was feeling good yesterday, believe me. I was feeling way hell of a good. We held a concert last night at my school, and it was a sad one. It was the last concert that the grade tweleves were ever going to have this year...I actually know a few grade twelves, so it was kind of sad to see the concert and be in it as well. 

Last year I remember doing something like this before our graduation. Well, I was in grade eight last year, so it didn't really count as much to a lot of people, but it did to me. We did a play, we were actually working on it for the whole year, and the times that we spent together as a whole school. It didn't matter what grade we were in, it was just sad to feel that "Oh! We aren't gonna do this anymore..." then at home when we were supposed to be performing it would feel so awkward just to be at home, almost like it never happened. 

The next few days will pass, and things like this will seem like they never happened. It's sad, and the people that you've met, and the faces you've grown to know will soon move away, but life's fast like that. 

I think I'm more pissed off at the fact that there are only twenty-four hours in a day. Not much to deal with twenty-four hours, huh? Well you only need one second to change your life. At last night's concert, I felt that I grew up just a little, although everyone seemed to already be at the finish line. I grew up in a second, and it makes me feel overwhelmed by the fact that in just three years' time it'll be my turn to be like, "This is gonna be the last time I'm doing this..." and the faces I've seen, and the souls that I've grown to know will be only a memory, or just some contact on my msn list. 

This year, and last year...were probably the best years of my life, and I haven't realized it yet. It hasn't sunk into me that I know all these people, and that I have all these great people in my life. I think that's why I feel that I haven't grown up yet. I'm still young I know, but I thought that I would get life right in the face by now because everyone else has, or because I'm more mature than most people my age. The last time for everything always gets me heartbroken, just like I am now. Heartbroken like never before. I wish I could know more of these great people, and wish that someday I could turn out like them. 

I wish that I could turn into someone who's finally grown, be less shy, more independant, way more confident. I wish I could then say to myself that "I rule." out loud when someone randomly just walks into the house. I wish I could walk the streets without being afraid of someone following me. Because if someone followed me, I would know exactly what to do. 

15 feels so small, and it is. Compared to 18, 19, and 20. But 15 years...you can see too many things in fifteen years. Things that will change you completely, and things that will just make you passive. I think that things you see like these...they have a point. Everything has a point. Even when you don't want to see it, God's telling you something. God's telling you, you shouldn't like that guy, you shouldn't do this, because it'll hurt you too much. 

I'm hurting right now, but thankfully its not as much as I thought it would. Once again, God's telling me, that this wasn't supposed to happen...
   

Steal from the Thief 
By: 3fi_pina3 BTW this is copyright: 02/07/07

A thief stole some thing from me one day,
and now I want it back,

It was as pretty as a ring,
And as fascinating as a story,
but truly gave the dignity to my soul. 

What an evil community this place turned out to be.
They said that this place was a good place to live,
but really is it true? 

This, a place, when you lose something,
No one returns it to you?

For once I'd like to steal from the thief ,
the one who'd stole my pride.
The one who stole my sense of responsibility.

Now, I probably won't trust myself,
And people just like the thief.
One day I'd like to steal from him,

Like how he stole from me.

Face the World
By: 3fi_pina3  BTW this is copyright 02/07/07

I saw the face of the world today. 
Its shadowed blue seas,
And its jealous green fields.

The muckyness of its brown,
and the unpredicable winds.
Its animals, its plantation.

Worst of all, I saw its people
the dominant of all creatures
and life. 

They way they act is so peculiar,
and so unexplainably strange.

You'd think that they'd be the most imteresting of them all.
But no; 
They are the most savage. 

The women~ at most are jealous like the fields,
While the men roar like the brutal claps of thunder.

Most of them are truly evil. 
While some are not what you think,
Hiding from their true selves. 

Something I did not see
was the true pure
of heart. 

The ones that deserve to live 
because they have not dedicated to their own.
The world sure has an ugly face.

 
   
 









I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear 

But I knew that it would come 
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone 
She said you found someone 
And I thought of all the bad luck, 
And all the struggles we went through 
How I lost me and you lost you 
What are these voices outside love's open door 
Make us throw off our contentment 
And beg for something more? 

I've been learning to live without you now 
But I miss you sometimes 
The more I know, the less I understand 
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again 
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter 
But my will gets weak 
And my thoughts seem to scatter 
But I think it's about forgiveness 
Forgiveness 
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore 

These times are so uncertain 
There's a yearning undefined 
And people filled with rage 
We all need a little tenderness 
How can love survive in such a graceless age 
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness 
They're the very things we kill, I guess 
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms 
And the work they put between us, 
You know it doesn't keep us warm 

I've been trying to live without you now 
But I miss you, baby 
The more I know, the less I understand 
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again 
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter 
But my will gets weak 
And my heart is so shattered 
But I think it's about forgiveness 
Forgiveness 
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore 

All the people in your life who've come and gone 
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride 
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on 
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside 

I wanna be happily everafter 
And my heart is so shattered 
But I know it's about forgiveness 
Forgiveness 
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore 

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter 
Because the flesh will get weak 
And the ashes will scatter 
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness 
Forgiveness 
Even if you don't love me anymore 
Even if you don't love me anymore 

Happy Single Awareness Day!!! 

OMG. This freaking autosave doesn't work... I've written like a million things and try to see if it works but it doesn't... do you know how frustrating it is?? GAHHH this is like the fifteenth time I've written this. Okey... so this will be like the FINAL, the absolute ONLY time i will do this again. If it doesn't work then.... I'll probably do it agaain.. ughh I'm so ticked off. I will go and kill a fly after I do this blog journal entry. 

Okey. You all know how Valentine's Day is a day symbolising love. And well love... is important. If you think about it. The goal of this day is to at least become in better terms with people who aren't usually your choice of pie. Did you know that there is a very very thin line between love and hate? Its actually kinda weird. Who knows? Maybe this Valentines Day, you'll be strongly attracted to the person whose guts you hate. 

Another thing that happens on Valentines Day, is falling out of love. I actually find this funny XD WHy couldn't the person who was going to dump the other, dump on another day but this? Like honestly, love is supposed to flow, not end on this day.. XD The only one that are supposed to cry on this day are the ones that don't have anyone to celebrate it with. 

These people (hahaha like me) are the strongest people on earth XD because they are lonely yet they carry through. Some are even really the awesomest people on earth, that really do deserve another person. So on that day, raise your glass, and be happy that you're alive, single, and free. I don't even know what its like, but once you're commited...and I've seen from some of my friends... its totally weird. Its just like....why are you still in this group? hang out with your new couple friends XD... hahaha no not really, but its really like that..  it feels more awkward to be friends with someone who acts as if they are together or really is together with someone... its the way they act... hmm....

Hhhhaa, if you're like me you'll be watching chick flicks for like the whole month of February. XD I wanna give some really cool movies to watch. Even the ones without love in it. They're fun to watch in february too... if you wanna. Lol

Memorieess.... huuuuummm....I think there isn't anything that I couldn't ask for more than those memoriess. Ones I wish I've relived. 

                                                                     [********]                                                                                                              

"It ends tonight."  he said to me, "this is the time for goodbye" 


It was better than a scene from a movie, and it was only something that could happen in a dream. Because only in your dreams things can happen. It was from a dream and she woke up with a face wet from tears. 'Twas a day before one of the biggest days of her life, that day and the ones before it showed a grumpy and sadistic side of her that she'd never seen, 

Is it true that memories taint your mind to such an extent? Even when a false memory enters your mind. It screws you up completely. We do live based on our past. Even one that says what we think happens. She doesn't want to forget, because it would be stupid of her to do so. 

All she has gone through it's torture, and she just doesn't want it anymore. She just needs a release, she needs some peace. She needs sleep. She'll sleep forever knowing that he wouldn't be beside her like the other nights. And she will die another death. 

[********]                                                                                                             

I'm bored. and lonely and tired, and sleepy and weird and qwerky. is that a word... well anyways.....this is something to do.... 

One more exam to go =)  and like dear Athrun here, I is totally bummed out. This one's the hardest one. IT SCIENCE!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! it totallly sucks ****  =) But AHA! Alas, once the exam is over, NO MORE SCIENCE BABY!! EHEHE. It'll be definitely one of those courses that I'll be happy to leave. But whatever. I just wanna to good in it, but I have like no idea about any of the questions in the review package. Like "What is the cell cycle?" I kinda forgot.... =| so yeah... I hope me does well...